Reluctant Catholic Thoughts about the church and my faith.

Luke E. Hart Series – back on the shelf

I gave up. The Luke E. Hart series is back on the bookself, and I'll likely not pick it up again. I initially thought it'd be a good way to get back into the swing of things, but I was wrong. I found the series more distracting than helpful. I don't feel many of the arguments presented in the series are strong, and I find that prevents me from reading without having an argument carried out in my head. I want to see the best arguements for Catholicism and Christianity, not the weakest.

I've tried reading source documents in the past, and I might go back to that. They present thier own challenges. But I didn't get distracted while reading them (just had a hard time staying away sometimes). I've also purchased some books that might help. I'm not sure what I need to get me back into the groove of things. I still find it hard to pray, hard to go to church, and hard to talk openly about my faith.

Iceberg ahead

I just had an argument with my wife. As I write this, I’m in the car traveling down the road for a Christmas celebration with the in-laws. What’s the subject of our argument on this otherwise beautiful December morning you ask? Work. Travel. And the idea of being “normal.” Arguments like this upset me, not because of the subject matter, but because of my behavior when I get upset.

My voice gets louder. Not a full yell, or a shrill shout, but simply louder. I notice, but most of the time I lack the ability to reign it back in to a reasonable volume.  When I notice, in my head I tell my self that I should calm down. I know that it’s disrespectful to the person I’m talking to. I know it increases the likelihood that the behavior will continue and most likely escalate (to a full yell). I know that I’m pushing the other person away, violating safety. I know all this, but I’m still helpless to stop. (Most of the time.)

When I think about why, I suspect that it’s for two reasons. First is probably my ego. I think I’m right. So, like any self-absorbed buffoon who thinks they are right, I expect my obvious point to carry itself without further elucidation. After all, why would I need to explain it? It’s so self-evident… in my head. If you would just accept that I’m right, we could be done with this a lot faster. You know that don’t you?

The second reason is because we’ve had the argument before. I suspect it’s like this with most couples; arguments tend to have the same underlying currents running through them. Each in their own way a manifestation of a deeper difference identified between the two people involved. Over time, you begin to recognize which reoccurring issue is resurfacing it’s ugly head.

What would an argument about work related travel have to do with an argument about calling a friend on a Friday to play cards? In our case, both are a fundamental disagreement about the existence of a social standard for behavior in that area. My wife believes in “normal” behavior, and I don’t. So when we fight about something being normal, it’s not the act of “normalcy” we are fighting about, but instead our perceptions about how that should influence our behavior. And what would an argument about buying books have to do with an argument about feeding the dogs? For my wife and I, both of those arguments are about a perception of “fairness” and how that should influence behavior (or not).

If you look at an iceberg from the surface of the water, you may see several small icebergs floating together. But if you look below the surface, you may find that they are all in fact the same iceberg. They just appear different. Each of these superficial arguments are the stuff days, weeks, and months that relationships are made up of. Successful relationships figure out how to recognize those differences and work through them.

Figuring out how to tame my ego has been an endeavor of mine for the last twenty years. I get better each year, but it’s an uphill battle. I’ve found some things help: talking to others about my bad behavior, going to confession, trying to work towards shared purpose, focusing on what I’m not good at in addition to what I am good at, etc… What still frustrates me is that for some behaviors I still can’t regulate real-time.

Figuring out how to deal with the “iceberg” issues with my wife will take patience and prayer. Together we’ll need to work on them. Together we’ll need to figure out how to see past the surface of the water so we can remove the frustrations of the little things. We both understand and respect the differences. We forget, in the heat of the moment, that what we’re seeing is an illusion. We don’t see the whole picture. We don’t see the whole iceberg.

With God’s help, perhaps someday we will. Icebergs, like egos, need to be chipped away at, at little at a time.

Joining a parish

In big "Reluctant Catholic" news, I've decided to join a parish. This will be only the second time I've ever personally made the decision to make my membership "official." The first time was because a close friend of mine was a priest at the parish. So, I guess in this case, it's really the first time I've made the decision free of pressure. I'm doing it for two reasons:

• First, I'd like to be held a little more accountable. I'm normally good with commitments I make, so this type of commitment should help me attend more regularly.
• Second, I'd like to start tithing. I've never actually done the whole 10% thing, but (as you can see in my previous post) I'd like to start to work on my selfishness. I think one way to do that is tithing. So, I bit the bullet and signed up for automatic fund withdraws each month. (That's painful - I can't even skip church to save money now.)

So, it's kind of a new chapter for me. Let's see how it goes.

Filling from within

I recently read an article titled "Are you digging yourself into a hole?". In the article, the author talks about "Filling the hole from within". In other words, finding positive ways of dealing with your shortcomings that leave you stronger as an individual. I particularly liked this paragraph:

The tools and practices used to fill the hole from within include journaling, self-reflection, meditation, silence, and deep inner questioning. The more your hole is explored, then reduced in size, the more your inner strength and courage arise to allow you to be yourself, without your ego needing any phony packaging or shoring up. You won’t need to put on the cloak of a false self and pretend to be somebody other than who you are.

I sometimes feel like I spend a lot of time pretending to be somebody I'm not. So, this article is a bit timely for me. I recently started this blog (journaling); and I also recently decided to start meditating again. (I use to, but fell out of the habit.) I even ordered some Gregorian chant, which helps me by blocking out small distracting noises.

I also like the list of hole-filling questions posed in the article:

• In what ways do you feel deficient or empty? Why do you feel that way? How do you feel about feeling the way you do?
• Do you try to fill your hole from outside by activities designed to make you feel secure and have some sense of ‘OK-ness’? What does all this activity get you?
• Do you ever feel like a phony? Do you ever consciously choose to be a fake? If so, why?
• Do you often feel the need to be the life of the party, the ‘know-it-all’, the expert?
• Do you play small and try to be invisible much of the time? Do you often feel what you are and do is not enough in some way? Do you know why?
• What one or two baby steps can you take in the next week or two to explore your feelings around lack or deficiency and start allowing your hole to fill itself?

Being a workaholic

I found an article written earlier this year by Christopher Kaczor titled "The Sin of Greed: When We Worship the Golden God." In the article, Kaczor goes into great detail on various aspects of greed, it's effects (and non-effects), and how that relates to our faith.

One of the themes in the article that really struck me was the idea of over-work as a form of greed:

Today, greed often takes the form of consumerism and over-work. Consumerism is a view of the human person that reduces us to what we can buy and consume. It is captured by the motto: "He who dies with the most toys wins." The workaholic’s greed, on the other hand, is not in consuming but in producing. Both the ultra-consumer and the workaholic are, practically speaking, materialists: What really counts, the ultimate goal of life, is what can be bought and sold.

I'm a workaholic - no doubts. In a weird way I am driven by producing, and I'm not sure why. (I have my guesses.) I think he nails why this a real problem in an illustration he makes later in the article:

For this reason, greed is a particularly dangerous kind of sin. The glutton eventually achieves complete fullness. The person committing a lustful act reaches a point of natural satiation. The angry person may explode in rage, thereby draining his fury. Even the drunk will reach a point where he passes out and can drink no more. But the greedy person never reaches an endpoint in the accumulation of riches.

As a workaholic, I have no safety mechanism telling me to stop. So because of that, I hurt those around me by being unavailable; or focused on other things or drained when I am available. It can also prevent me from doing other things, like volunteering, spending with with friends who might need me, or other even taking care of myself (aspects of a balanced life: time for church, fitness, etc...).

To put that in Kaczor's words, it means when I'm over-working I'm possibly not doing meaningful activity or exercising personal control.

What does help people attain happiness, according to contemporary psychologists? Four things matter in particular: 1) good relationships with others, 2) strong religious ties, 3) meaningful activity, and 4) personal control. We can translate these into more traditional terms: 1) love of neighbor, 2) love of God, 3) corporal and spiritual works of mercy, and 4) exercising authentic freedom by doing good and avoiding evil.

Great article.